Big, Swinging Belly. For Reals?

The sign posted on the telephone pole in my neighborhood stops me dead in my tracks.

LOST PET!

Oh dear. A Lost Pet? What is worse than a lost pet?

So, I take a closer look. The sign has a big color photo of a missing cat with a short description of the animal.

Does that say what I think it says?

Wait. What?

A Big, Swinging Belly?

Note: Do her boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro?

A Big, Swinging Belly. Really? After years of service to her people, this creature’s defining characteristic is her big, swinging belly?

Note: Haven’t we come farther than this, as a society?

But it’s got me to thinking. About society. And big bellies, kind of. And descriptors. And perception. And lots of deep stuff that I’m prone to thinking about.

What if I, Bacon, went missing and photos of my face, or worse, photos of my big swinging belly were plastered about town on phone poles where dogs gather to do their business? How does that sign describe me? What is my defining trait to the eye of a Local Search and Rescue Team?

Note: It goes without saying that the photo of me on the telephone pole would be my current driver’s license photo because it’s AMAZING. The Hub has been instructed that should I ever be abducted by aliens or if Oleander is forced to gnaw my arm off in a snow cave to save my very life, the photo of me that must be released to the general public is my driver’s license photo.

I am a freaking goddess!

Right? In fact, perhaps I should just release it to the general public. In general.

I digress.

What would the sign say about me? How does the world perceive Bacon, a fifty-something woman who has seen better days (and most of them are ahead, by the way).

LOST! Feisty with surprisingly lustrous hair!

LOST! Friendly (doesn’t bite) with legs like toothpicks!

LOST! Overly dramatic, with a stiff neck in cold weather!

I don’t know about all this stuff. And maybe that’s why Bacon’s back, telling it like it is, leaving a somewhat questionable legacy to the world and reminding women that we are relevant in spite of age, salary, societal expectations or big, swinging bellies.

I can’t take much more of this deep thinking, so I’m going back to my own LOST! poster. One thing is for sure:

LOST! Last seen swigging a Diet Coke in the Target Parking Lot.

Heck, yes!

–Bacon. Hey, Oleander. You’re up!